Chapter 28

Chapter 28

The next day, Doyeon arrived half-asleep again.

The need for sleep was twice-fold with that second sleepless night. He’d spent his whole life sticking to a seven-hour sleep schedule even during his exams, but he’d thrown that whole life out the window thinking of Hyunoh.

He couldn’t even remember what he thought about. Hyunoh’s name just floated around his head, formless and weightless.

Doyeon fought the cold autumn air and reached school. He walked past the field that looked pale blue and went into his class. There was someone inside.

“Hi, Doyeon.”

It was Hyunoh, the same Hyunoh Gong he spent all night thinking about.

Hyunoh opened all the windows in the classroom and greeted him properly. Doyeon sighed and plopped down on his seat. His feelings grew more complicated with Hyunoh in front of him, the first person he saw.

“Why are you here so early? You’re not a morning person.”

Hyunoh sat next to Doyeon after tying the curtains. Doyeon stared at the chalkboard in front of the class for no reason.

“I just woke up. What about you?”

“I come here early every morning,” replied Hyunoh.

“Really? Why? Do you struggle to sleep?”

“I prefer to be out of the house before my father goes to work.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t want to run into him.”

What the heck? Did he have to accept that? That Hyunoh didn’t want to face his father?

Doyeon was confused, but didn’t pry. His gut told him not to ask when he faced Hyunoh’s clean smile.

Everyone had family problems that couldn’t be discussed.

Doyeon pulled out a workbook from his bag and began working on it. Hyunoh brought his own and asked whether they could work on some questions together before the other kids walked in.

“I feel like we’re desk partners again.”

“We sit next to each other in tutoring class.”

“This isn’t the tutoring center though. It’s a different vibe.”

“How so?”

Doyeon smirked, focusing on his question. When he zoned in on an upper-level question, all the little nagging thoughts flew out the window.

While solving some more, Hyunoh waved something in his face, but he couldn’t remember what he was thinking. He opened his mouth to the taste of intense sweetness.

While solving questions with their shoulders rubbing against each other, the classroom began to fill with morning light.

Hyunoh stopped solving problems at some point and began to stare blatantly at Doyeon with his chin in his hands.

“You’re studying really hard. Are you aiming for first place in class?”

He was smiling, but Doyeon failed to hear him properly because he was too absorbed in his workbook.

White light from the morning sun danced on Doyeon’s hair. Hyunoh stared at Doyeon’s pressed lips and concentrated face, then slowly said, “You’re using the pencil I bought you very well.”

“Mm-hmm...”

“I’ll buy some more for you. A hundred this time.”

“Hmm...”

“Do you want erasers too? A thousand?”

“Mm-hmm...”

“Want to marry me?”

“Mm-hmm...”

“You’re not listening to me.”

“Mm-hmm...”

“I think you like me, Doyeon.”

“Mm-hmm...”

Doyeon hummed slowly to everything he said. Hyunoh leaned forward on his hands and looked on with interest.

Doyeon clung to one question several times before throwing his hands in the air and shaking his head. He couldn’t solve it, but the answer sheet was back at home, and the frustration was building.

Hyunoh leaned forward to look at the problematic question. “Is it hard?”

“Yes! I left the answer sheet at home so I can’t check the answer either! Damn it, this is stressing me out! What the heck is the answer? Do you have the answer sheet?”

“No, but do you want help?”

“Yes! Please!” Doyeon nodded. There wasn’t enough patience in him to flaunt his pride in front of the top student in their school.

Hyunoh dragged the workbook to his side and began drawing a graph.

“So here are the irrational functions, and the area surrounding the four lines is here... Now, you see these points? You need to find the approximate... We’re going to go with thirteen or thirty-three, which are reasonable...”

Hyunoh’s mechanical pencil moved smoothly across the graph, marking points. Doyeon listened, staring at Hyunoh’s fingers.

“But when it’s thirty-five, we get one hundred, so thirty-four should be the right answer.”

When Hyunoh circled the number thirty-four, Doyeon applauded. Hyunoh looked like some wise sage from the mountains.

“Hyunoh, you could be a teacher!”

“Do you think so?”

“Yes! I’m serious!’

“It’s nothing.”

“Still…!” Doyeon beamed, sticking both of his thumbs up.

He had a small epiphany about their relationship, since it had begun with him sticking his middle fingers up at Hyunoh’s back. Now they were close enough to send thumbs at each other, which was a rather huge development.

Hyunoh smiled back at Doyeon. “You’ve been smiling a lot at me recently.”

There was a pause.

“I’m very grateful, Doyeon.”

Doyeon’s smile slowly dropped as he stared at Hyunoh. With Hyunoh’s face right in front of him, his eyes curved, Doyeon faced the truth.

Oh…

He’s my first love, isn’t he?

Arc Five. First Love.

Doyeon had his realization. He had a very clear realization.

He now knew why he couldn’t keep his eyes off Hyunoh when he first met him, why he was so bothered by everything Hyunoh did, despite his bad personality, and why he hated Hyunoh for buying him ten pencils out of sympathy.

He now knew why his heart ran faster when he rolled Hyunoh’s name in his mouth and why his breaths came faster when he thought of Hyunoh’s smile. He now knew why he felt hot whenever he came face-to-face with Hyunoh’s smile.

Because he liked him.

Because Hyunoh Gong was his first love.

“Damn it...” Doyeon tore at his hair.

His heart had been trembling the whole day since he found out the truth. The night was deep, sleep wasn’t coming, and while he sighed his soul out, the sun was dawning.

The bright day was like any other day. All that changed was his heart after the realization. That was what made him more confused.

“Are you sick?”

When he went around the whole day trying not to faint, Hyunoh came knocking. His heart almost dropped when he heard Hyunoh’s voice again, but he held his breath to hide it.

He was certain of his feelings all over again, with his heart beating faster the closer he got to Hyunoh.

I must really like this guy.

“Just... worried about my grade.”

He was definitely worried about his grade, but he was referring to his grade on the gayness range, not his grade point average.

“Your grade? But you have good grades.”

“Well, I can’t beat you...”

“Oh, wow, your ambition is through the roof.”

Doyeon bit his lip and glared at Hyunoh. He was smiling easily like always.

Hyunoh was someone who could never become his boyfriend, and a romantic relationship was never going to happen.

Doyeon clenched his hands under the table. His nails dug into his palm painfully.

I can get rid of these feelings.

This was the immature kind of love that stopped his heart and turned his neck red. It was young and fresh, which meant he could kill it and wave it away by giving up.

Haa. Doyeon sighed openly at Hyunoh’s face.

Hyunoh glared at him. “What was that?”

“I don’t know, it just came out when I looked at you. Just... Ugh.”

“Is your nasty alter ego back? I thought you’ve been fine the past few months.”

“Never mind,” Doyeon waved his hand and collapsed on his desk. He could feel Hyunoh’s eyes on his head but ignored him.

“Puberty?”

“Maybe...” He buried his face in his arms. His arm blocked out the light, giving him a round, dark space away from faces. He could hide his own expression, which was a relief.

Tap. Hyunoh tapped the back of his head and stood up. As Doyeon heard him walk away, he gnawed on his lip.

I can’t be gay. I can’t.

Not because he had a crush on Hyunoh Gong, but because he simply couldn’t. He had to ignore this feeling and dismiss it as a phase of his puberty.

I need to grow up to help Aeyoung and Mom financially... And that means no handicap. Especially one like this.

This was a handicap.

A big one. He was born with the burden of poverty; he couldn’t burden himself by being a member of a sexual minority. There couldn’t be anything worse for him.

He had to dismiss his feelings as a passing phase.

Besides...

“Is this why you brought me here? I thought I was getting confessed to. I was thinking of how to turn you down gently, Doyeon dear.”

That was what Hyunoh had said to him when he gave him the slippers last time.

He wasn’t going to confess to him, but he was basically rejected before he could.

Hyunoh had been joking back then. At the same time, Doyeon knew he meant it. He meant it because he threw his refusal around so lightly.

If... If he had known about his feelings then, he would have been disappointed. He would have been devastated, even if all he’d done was deliver a gift.