Chapter 349

Chapter 349

So… Eugene is supposed to be on this show, right? Hannah Hamilton, who had attended the same school as Eugene, was sitting on her couch, watching TV late at night. She hadn’t done this in a while. Her excuse for watching the show was that she knew Eugene from school.

And I did run into him a few years back. She’d seen him while he was filming a TV show and selling some kind of fusion Korean snack—the hotteok.

“Uh, have we met? In middle school? Elementary school?”

“Oh… I’m Hannah Hamilton. We used to be in the same class in middle school.”

“Oh, Hannah! Nice to see you. How have you been?”

Eugene had still had the popular guy vibe, but surprisingly, he’d chosen K-pop as his calling. It was a very specific genre. After becoming aware of the group—she knew now to call it a group, not a band—she had kept up with their activities sporadically. She had found it oddly charming that a boy her age who had so much potential had fallen in love with such a niche, just like her. Even though a few cultural differences had shocked her, she had kept at it.

A hetero male in his twenties with hair dyed pink?

He does this sort of thing? Anime magical girl stuff?

This group really cares for each other…

Now she had reached the point where she was emotionally invested in them and watching an American variety show as it aired.

[MESS! MEEEESS!]

Facetious, brightly-colored text appeared on the screen. Hannah watched with a wry look on her face.

This show is funny and all, but I have no idea why you’re choosing to appear on it.

- TeSTAR’s not supposed to be on this show!

- This is basically a third-rate reality show where people who are hungry for fame are tortured. It’s cruel and trashy!

K-pop fans were loudly complaining about the idea on social media. And to be honest, she could see where they were coming from.

[“And can today’s contestants… endure thirty minutes in a red coffin in an abandoned house with no electricity?”]

[“And that’s not all, folks! The moment they start cowering, these adorable stuffed unicorns will fall on their heads, screaming that they’re losers!”]

Though it was supposedly a challenge, this was really all an elaborate plot to mock the guests. The show made sure to film its guests arrogantly claiming that they could do it, then would proceed to make fun of them when they failed. It was a sneaky way to get around any ethical concerns about what they were doing.

[“Boo! He’s garbage!”]

[“Didn’t he blink like he was really scared just now? Yes. That’s a failure, and you’re a failure, too!”]

Sometimes there were no clear rules when it came to who would suffer penalties—the production team and the host dished them out whenever they thought it would be funniest. The host was sometimes made the target of this as well, which only made the show all the more funny.

Hannah had only watched short clips on WeTube from time to time, but even she could clearly remember the cackling voice of the host.

That’s why the show has lasted as long as it has. In any case, it wasn’t suitable for anyone who was wanting to maintain a degree of dignity and grace. That was why TeSTAR’s fans in the US were so unhappy, and the production team was trying to make fun of that.

- We’re honored. Their agency came to us first to tell us they wanted to be on the show. (face with rolling eyes emoji)

The host joined in not long after that.

- Fresh-faced, sweet little Asian boys… Hang in there (smiling face with sunglasses emoji)

It was a total mess. It had very nearly turned into an online war. The host, who was a conservative and obstinate person, while also being a little vulgar, had started a fierce stare off with the K-pop fandom in general. The frightening part was that after filming began, the production team went completely silent when it came to TeSTAR.

TeSTAR must have done all right. Either that, or… they were completely humiliated. If the latter was true, then that nasty host had shut up because things had gotten so out of hand that it couldn’t be considered a joke anymore.

“Hmm…”

Hannah swallowed nervously and directed her attention to the TV again. Someone burst out of the coffin, sprinting as hard as he could with glittering confetti and unicorns trailing behind him.

[“Loser!”]

[“The actor Antonio Soltre is a cute little scaredy-cat—or should I say scaredy-bear?”]

She hoped the same thing would not happen to TeSTAR.

Thankfully, the corner TeSTAR was appearing in was meant for singers.

[“And next up… My Own Street Karaoke!”]

It was the street karaoke challenge corner.

[“The crew has selected all kinds of famous songs. They come in various versions!”]

[“Can the artists taking on this challenge really do justice to these songs?”]

At first glance, it might have looked like a rather professional angle, rather than being a silly challenge, but this was not the case. As would become clear soon enough, the arrangements were extremely silly. What was more, everything was done impromptu, and it was the production team who got to decide whether something had been sung properly.

Ugh. Because the contestants were actual singers, the watchers would find it even more fun, while the contestants themselves would be even more stressed. Even the penalty today was terrible.

[“Today’s penalty is… A foodie cannon!”]

[“We’ve put together only the hottest foods from various social media platforms! This isn’t really even a penalty, now, is it?”]

“Yuck!”

She watched as a ground-up hamburger exploded in a dazed contestant’s face. She immediately felt bad for almost laughing.

That… that’s so humiliating! It almost called to mind the cruelty of a school bully.

The challenge started on a cheerful note, nonetheless.

[“The first song is ‘Counting Ma Green!’”]

It was supposed to be a dark, intense hip-hop song, but it had been altered into an amusement park march with pronunciation that was exaggerated and hard to understand.

Hehehe! Lovely and cheerful is me!

Na-na-na! Na-na-na-na-nah!

People were splattered with food to the beat of a vivacious trumpet. It was quite the sight. Hannah stifled the urge to laugh.

One of the contestants stood dazed as the instrumental break passed, and another tried to start a verse only to miss the beat entirely. There were also those who sang a few lines properly, got their hopes up, and abruptly found food flung in their faces.

[Contestant: What the f*ck—]

Food flew through the air again.

[“I don’t like the way you’re moving your hand!”]

“Ehehe!”

She laughed through pursed lips. It was a primal sort of comedy that she couldn’t help but laugh at.

“Oh please! No!”

The problem was, a couple of songs had gone by with no sign of TeSTAR. She knew she would have recognized them even if they’d shown up for even a second. There was no way she would have missed seeing food thrown in their faces.

Don’t tell me they’ve been edited out?

While it wasn’t clear if this was a good thing or not, it wasn’t what she feared. TeSTAR appeared after ten minutes passed and a mid-show ad break. The seven members stood on the street, just as the other contestants had. A faint spotlight was shining down on them.

[“Yes. We’re giving them preferential treatment because they were in Cosmic Gunner. I know the director, you know?”]

Following the host’s absurd narration, the first song played again—the cheerful marching song.

“Oh…”

Now TeSTAR would be hit with all kinds of food, too. Hannah cringed as she watched.

Eugene, who’d been standing glumly with his hands in his jumper pockets and staring at the microphone fixed in front of the camera, suddenly grinned. Then he began the intro of the march.

[Contestant: Na-na, na-na, na-na-na-na-nah!]

“Huh?”

TeSTAR began stomping along to the beat, like they were marching in an actual parade. They sang along to the song, glancing at the lyrics that were shown below the camera. They wore the bright smiles one might expect to see on the faces of cheerful amusement park workers.

[Contestant: Money, money! Money’s the best thing in the world!]

The amusement park accompaniment and the lyrics, which talked about money, were an amazing match.

“Oh my god! Haha!”

They each did a neat little parade gesture, taking turns singing as they completed the first verse without problems.

[“Well… All right. Got lucky this time, eh?”]

The host sounded put out, since he’d failed to dish out any punishment this time. The passersby who made up the audience were laughing hysterically. His reaction only made things funnier, but TeSTAR was not done yet.

[“Next song!”]

A gentle and trendy R&B band track had been turned into a heavy metal track with an extremely high pitch.

“Yikes!”

Countless people had been shocked by how the key had been elevated and been unable to even attempt to sing it before ending up with food in their face. But this time, the white-haired member, Moondae, stood up to the microphone casually and opened his mouth.

Yeaaaaaaaaaah!

“…!”

He was screaming along with the high notes without so much as a grimace on his face. His neck was red, and the veins in it were protruding, but his expressionless face and the super-high-pitch impact made those things hard to notice.

The other members head banged behind him as he sang. They waved their jackets about in an exaggerated way that made the whole thing even more visually appealing. The audience cheered and screamed.

[“Again…?”]

[“Well, all right. You’re pretty amazing. Yeah. I’ll clap along. You heard me, see? I clapped.”]

The audience laughed again, but the host seemed to quickly recover from his disappointment.

[“But we still have our next song… As you all know, it’s the mess-ups toward the end that are the funniest!”]

“Oh no!”

This was an entirely new song. It was a recent disco track with an exciting beat, which was high on the SongBoard Charts at the moment—but it had been turned into classical music more suited to dancing ballet.

Hannah nearly spat out her drink.

[“Haha! Ever heard of Tchaikovsky’s ‘The Nutcracker,’ you suckers?”]

There was no way they would pull this one off. The pretty notes of a celesta played, and then the chorus kicked in. There was no way to even tell where the singing was supposed to begin.

Classical music has no lyrics! This has no singing part at all! This was hilarious—there was no question about it. But it was funny precisely because of how clear it was TeSTAR would have no way of escaping this time.

[“Haha!”]

But one of the TeSTAR members slowly stepped forward. He was very pretty and had black hair styled back off his forehead. He stood naturally, his legs crossed, then gracefully kicked one into the air and spun.

“…!”

[“What the hell?”]

He was executing a perfect fouetté turn. The next moment, the six members behind him exchanged glances and began to hum. They were singing the main melody and accompaniment a cappella.

[“Good god.”]

“Holy sh*t.”

They even located the intro by listening carefully to the accompaniment.

[Contestant: I’ll take you into that night sky!]

The audience cheered through the speakers. Twists always made for enjoyable TV. TeSTAR had actually managed to succeed at every single absurd challenge, and even the passersby on the street were clapping.

[“Hey! Why are you clapping?”]

[“What the… Wait, this was all staged, wasn’t it? How much did they pay you to do this?”]

The host seemed upset to have become the victim of what felt like a hidden camera prank, and the audience only laughed harder. Eugene, who was giving high-fives to the others, grinned and cocked his head.

[Contestant: We were paid to be on the show, yeah.]

[“No! That’s not what I mean… Augh! Damn it!”]

Hannah laughed, and the microphone in front of the camera shook like an angry puppet.

[“This isn’t— That’s it! This is a fail!”]

[“You did too well, and that’s no fun. Isn’t that right?”]

TeSTAR looked at each other, grinning subtly. The one with the white hair was the one to speak up.

[Contestant: No. We don’t think so.]

[“It’s no fun. That’s why this is a fail for you! This is supposed to be a comedy show!”]

[Contestant: Hmm.]

Instead of carrying on the little skit, TeSTAR exchanged glances again and nodded.

Huh?

Cha Eugene spoke.

[Contestant: Okay. Forget it. Fire away.]

“…!”

The food cannons really fired—and multiple times at that. Everyone in the group took a hit.

“Oh no!”

Hannah’s jaw dropped. TeSTAR were now just as dirty as the others that had come before them.

[Contestant: Oof.]

Bolognese sauce dripping down his forehead, Eugene reached up and wiped some of it off with a finger. Then he grinned.

[Contestant: Tasty.]

[“Are you serious?”]

[Contestant: We came to this show because it looked fun. And I gotta say, it was a fantastic experience.]

[“Please get off my set. Go!”]

[Contestant: All right. Have a good night, everyone!]

[Contestant: Good night!]

The members grinned, wiping their faces with their clothes or their hands, as they waltzed off camera. They had basically taken pity on the host.

Wow… They weren’t humble in the least and were full of confidence and character, but it wasn’t unpleasant to watch. They had ticked all the boxes of what the public wanted to see from an artist—uniqueness, talent, and star potential.

What was more, this was very much in line with what people had seen of the band from Cosmic Gunner. They seemed not all that different from the characters they’re played in the movie.

[“Wh-what… Get somebody else playing! This isn’t funny at all!”]

The screen began showing other contestants being hit with more food, unable to keep up with the ballet music. Everyone knew, however, that the show was basically over the second the band walked out

“That’s amazing!”

If they’d wanted to make a strong impression, they’d succeeded with flying colors.

As one might expect, a new post was uploaded to the host’s account as soon as the show was over.

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I swear on my house that this was not staged. That band is nuts. #help

========================

“Wow!”

The host had raised a white flag.

This is so insane. She found herself looking up not only K-pop accounts, but any posts uploaded by people who had seen the show.

She thought to herself, I may be all excited right now, but I suppose they’re on their way back to Korea like this was all in a day’s work.

Eugene would be more than capable of that, as was his group, probably.

***

We were tossing one of our members in the air.

“Seon Ahyeon! Seon Ahyeon!”

“Yeah!”

“Seon Ahyeon killed it!”

It was Ahyeon, of course. He had pulled off the impromptu ballet freestyle perfectly. Frankly speaking, we’d cheated a little. We’d made a list of all the songs they might potentially use and prepared with that knowledge in mind. It was the same method I’d used ever since our Idol Inc. days.

There were plenty of references for us to study since the corner had been around for more than a hundred episodes, and it was easy to guess at what songs they would use.

Half the songs are recent trending tracks, and the other half are popular ones from ten years ago. The show had gone on for long enough that I had anticipated they would have to set a specific range on the song selection process to avoid overlaps. We had statistics to help us predict the arrangements as well.

There was a pattern to it. First, we compiled a list of the types of arrangements used in the last three years on the show, sorted by frequency, then gave more weight to the new arrangements that had appeared in the last year. We also excluded the ones that had already been used in the past three episodes.

After we’d sorted through all this information, it was smooth sailing from there.

“Is this funny?”

“No!”

“Okay. So they’re not going to turn this into country music, then.”

We had an American with an S+ in charm who was able to match the arrangements to the right songs.

Doing that we were able to cover nearly half the possibilities. With Raebin’s help, we had figured out all the possible arrangements and even decided on which members would take the lead in each type of song.

Those bastards! Where did that ballet track even come from? I had guessed they might use something opera-related, but I’d had no idea the motherf*ckers would insert an instrumental track with no singing whatsoever. Ahyeon had gone forward and shown off actual ballet, however, which had been an absolute win.

If it hadn’t been for him, we’d have been royally f*cked. Our appearance would only have the kind of impact we wanted if we completed every challenge perfectly. The worst possible outcome would have been if we’d appeared visibly confused. Not only had Ahyeon saved us from that, he’d pulled off the best possible play. That was why we were making all this fuss over him.

“I mean, come on! Ahyeon, you switched to modern dance, didn’t you? How did you suddenly pull that off?”

“I-I did some ballet for an event in middle school once…” Ahyeon said.

“It’s shocking that you still remember!” Raebin said.

“Well… I guess it’s muscle memory…”

We weren’t accepting any excuses. We only let Ahyeon down, red-faced as we applauded him loudly, when it was time for us to leave.

“Uh…” he began, looking at me, only to stop short again.

Hmm. He wore the same look of expectation on his face as he had when he’d done an amazing job with the album concept.

Yeah, I get it. You want to know my secret. He’d acted this way before, but it seemed that he’d decided he’d proven himself to the point that he deserved to know whatever it was that Big Sejin and I were keeping between ourselves. This wasn’t really an issue of who deserved what, but it was true that he’d basically carried us this time around.

I guess I can’t delay it any longer. I turned to look at Big Sejin, who nodded back.

Fine. F*ck it. Let’s tell him!

For the record, this was the stupidest idea ever.